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User blog:Bittersweettragedy/Shaken
Spoilers for Insurgent/Allegiant: Reader Discretion Advised Based on probably, besides Tris and Tobias, my favorite couple. Even though it's not directly said, I still believe it's implied that Shauna and Zeke viewed each other as a couple. Chapter 1 "Shauna?" Zeke looks at me with dark eyes, pooled with tears. I grip the edges of my wheelchair to turn around, facing away from the dark sky I was looking at. It was beautiful, like I was. Zeke's dark skin was gleamed back with sweat, hair tousled, gun slung across his back. I look around him, expecting Lynn to walk beside him, her attitude making me laugh, her sure smile and a hug to keep me from feeling empty. "Lynn?" I ask, higher than I meant to. He shakes his head, hair whipping in his face and I look at him, the Dauntless in him is gone. He doesn't look brave, his head is not held up high, it's bowed low and he looks at me, defeated. I want to leap out of my chair, hug him with all I am, all I wanted him to feel, pushed against his huge shoulder blades. "Zeke..." I look at him, wheeling over to him, tapping him slightly with a wheel. He looks at me, a mess of hair and sweat, as tears stream down. I take my arms, pulling him down next to me. His face brushes against the metal and I laugh through my tears, him joining in. "I'm sorry Shauna...I wanted to save her, you have no one left." He chokes, shutting his eyes tight. "She was truly Dauntless though. Like you." My eyes meet his, a small act of thanks, but he quickly pulls away. His eyes are glossy, his sobs echoing through the room blending in with mine. "Can we go out?" He asks, rubbing his tears with a black sleeve. "Sure." I smile weakly. I can't help but think, I have no sister. I have no one to keep me grounded except him. He starts off slowly at first, trying to maneuver around whatever is left of the Erudite headquarters. He was careful with me, he was kind. Zeke cared for me and I cared for him. Zeke stops at the elevator, making sure to angle the wheelchair so I can jab the button to get down from this mess. I press the button, it turning a color I can only describe as Erudite blue. "I swear if I had a gun right now, I would shoot whoever murdered Lynn." I say through my tears. "I've already tried," Zeke smirks. The inside of elevator barely fits both of us, since an upturned computer cart is behind us. I pick a couple laptops up from on top of the cart as Zeke presses the computer cart back in it's original place. He offers to put the computers back up for me, but I shake my head. I needed to do something else. The elevator opens, revealing chaos. The screams as a woman tells something about the fence. "My name will be Edith Prior." I hear her say, barely. Tris looks up in shock, her eyes blended with terror and curiosity and burning rage. "We need to get out." I nod, tears welling in my eyes again. Zeke pushes through crowds, pushing whatever stands in our way. Some clasped guns and others started to scream. He pushes me closer to the door, faster and faster as we blow past the white double doors. It smells like sweet grass, it feels like my first breaths. "Zeke." I clasp my hand over his. "Don't leave me." He looks at me with his dark eyes with such intensity, such fire, yet his whole body shakes. I look down at my limp feet and sigh. I only have you. And if you leave me I have no one. If I have no one, there is no me. There is just a shadow of half a body in a wheelchair. He squeezes my hand so hard it turns white. I breathe, pressing my head into his chest, salty tears bleeding through his shirt. "I promise." He takes his arm and wraps it around my head, stroking my ponytail until I stop sobbing. --- Once our sobs decease, he grabs a hold of my hand. "You want to go back inside?" I still hear screams from inside the building and with no doubt, I shake my head. "Keep me out here, Zeke." He nods. He rubs some tears out of his eyes and wheels me around, jogging. He lifts his body, it rising above me higher and higher and I laugh. "Zeke." I laugh, although it seems drier than usual. "What?" He smiles. "Thanks." He laughs, pushing me faster, faster, until I feel like I am running beside him. Free. We wheel around for a little longer, him breathing heavily, me squealing with delight. He races around, past our last home in Dauntless, past what's left of Abnegation, past our whole city and back again. "Zeke?" I ask, just as we were about to head back inside. "Yes?" "Can you wheel me to the tree in Amity?" "Amity, that is so far away Shauna..." "Please?" I squeeze his hand. "Fine. But I'm not running this time." "Okay." He wheels me slowly and we talk along the way. "Lynn's dead." I say after a while. "I know." I sigh, shaking. Zeke takes a free hand and places it through my ponytail. "I wish we could leave this place." "I wish we had Lynn back." "I know." His dark skin glows under the moonlight and stars, looking at me like I am the only person in the world. He pulls me closer to the tree, illuminated in the dark night. "Take me in there." I whisper. He pulls me to the greenhouse, the smelling of apples and love. I breathe it in as he pushes me towards the tree. "Happy?" He asks, panting. I am under one of the roots now, smiling. "Not just yet." I pull his face with my free hand, tasting sweat and tears and freshness and love and god knows what else. He looked at me with wide eyes at first but they close as I pull him closer. His tears get into mine, intertwining with furiousity. I was a mess and so was he. But he felt like peace in no better place than Amity. Chapter 2 Feeling smooth cloth along my fingertips, I pull them closer to my throat, enclosing myself in warmth because I am never used to the cold. Lynn is not here to wake me up anymore. All I remember from last night was his body against mine, the feeling of comfort through the crumbling factions. I remember falling asleep to the gentle swing of the chair, as he pushed me. The only way I could be in this bed is Zeke-he must have carried me back. And then he left me. I shouldn't be mad, he needs sleep also, but he left me here to pain myself with guilt until he comes back. My eyes drift towards the door, pushing the pain and longing against my chest. As someone helps me wheel down the hallway to get breakfast, I see him, dressed in Dauntless black with an Abnegation gray shirt peeking underneath. In his hands is a golden yellow tray stacked with mountains of food. I am sure I am looking at the food more than him, but I can't help it-I'm hungry. "Here let me get through." "Oh sorry." I just now realized he wanted to be with me and I was blocking the wooden door that allowed him in. I feel heat rushing through my body, but he doesn't seem to notice. He sits on the bed, leaving a spot for me and I frown. I wish I could be able to sit next to him, being able to walk but even that was taken from me. Noticing I am eyeing the vacant space next to him, he wraps his arms around my back and lifts me to the spot next to him, altering my position so I can look at him. "Want a muffin?" I nod, smiling. He picks one off one of the plates and hands it to me. I take it out of his hands and thank him. Not just for the food but for keeping me company. He has Uriah to care for too. I take a bite and half muffled I ask, "What happened last night anyway?" Zeke looks like he just tasted something sour. "You mean the factions? Jeanie was killed so I suppose that's good enough, but Evelyn wants to take over, erasing the factions all together. She says that whatever Edith Prior was talking about was not worth it. She believes Tris is a traitor. And Christina. For trying to stop Jeanie's death." He takes a bite of an apple and looks at me with his deep brown eyes. I sit there in complete awe. Tris, a traitor? That's not possible-there has to be a probable cause. But instead of expressing what I feel about this issue, I look at him and smirk. "What are you looking at?" He raises his eyebrows and flushes. "The wall." He laughs. "Because they are so interesting." I roll my eyes. "Whatever Shauna." I lean closer to him and whisper, "You know it was me." He smiles in an awkward sort of way, as if he isn't sure whether he is proud or defeated that I found this out. Taking another bite of blueberry muffin, I smile, amused. Zeke pulls at his shirt collar, looking down at the floor. He doesn't want to meet my eyes. "Zeke, you know, that I don't mind it. I'm sure that if you looked at me right now, you wouldn't get turned down." He manages to look up, dark brown eyes glinting. I feel a rush of heat filling up every ounce of my body, making it hard to breathe. I manage out a sentence, coming more as I blend of sadness and comfort. "I need you." He pulls his arms, strong and sure, around my neck and pulls me to his shoulder. I tilt my head, looking at him as he looks down at me. Just as I feel like I can breathe again, he pulls me towards him, urging a kiss. I press my hands across his cheek, trying to gasp for a breath, just one. I want to hold him close to me, like he's going to die on me. He couldn't, he couldn't die. Not now, not ever, because I am his and he is mine..for now. If I was in Dauntless, I would be pulled away from him. Pulled away from my ground. I couldn't leave him. But I couldn't take it anymore. I am not as strong as I seem. As he pushes down my spine, past my tattoos, I feel the last pain. I shouldn't even deserve him. Feeling as deflated and empty, tearing myself down brick by brick, I pull myself for a gasp of air. I feel heat rush to my cheeks. Looking at me, he seems hurt. I turn away. I am not Dauntless. Then what am I in this society? Just another puzzle missing a couple of pieces? I place my hands through my hair and look at my feet, motionless. I don't even have my ability to walk anymore. Even that has been taken from me. My sister, my brother is nowhere to be found. My parents that left long ago. I look up at Zeke, his look of shock on his face. I am the one who was breaking him. I am the one who let my sister come out to the war in the first place. I am the cause of so much pain. Gazing into the white window, I persecute myself. Dragging myself out with guilt. How I wanted to escape my pain. Lynn is gone. Lynn died-correction Lynn is dead. There is no way I can be able to get her back. How many secrets died with her-Marlene? The jealousy of Uriah? I never realized how much I loved her until she left me. I press harder, wanting to shatter the glass with my bare hands, wanting to kill whoever killed my beloved sister. I stop in my tracks. I could never become that. I could never kill another human ever again. I was strong, until my strength was taken away. I am weak. I am broken. But he was and always will be, Dauntless. In bravery, in love, he has always been braver than me. I reach my hand down his spine, feeling him breathing softly. "Are you really okay Shana? You don't usually act this way." He reaches his arm and strokes mine. Terrified, I flush bright red. My body is trembling. "No." I push my body into his and push tears through my eyes, filling my pain and letting it all come out. I wrap my arms arms around his neck and sob. He takes his large yet gentle hand and places it through my ponytail. "It will be okay, I promise you." He says, smooth as glass. I nod, but don't agree. The only way I could ever be happy again lies in Amity headquarters. Zeke turns away but I ask him quietly. "Can you put me back in my wheelchair?" He nods, lifting me up by my waist and placing me soundly back in my chair. "Be safe okay? Evelyn brought up security." I nod, ignoring every word he says. Shutting the door quietly, he walks away. I wait until I stop hearing footsteps and turn the knob. I place my hands on the wheelchair and am ready to leave. If only for a minute, I still need a way from the pain. I rush full speed out the door, breeze filling my lungs. It's for my sake and his. Category:Blog posts